Killing time on a Saturday night

My cute female friend is in bed already and I've got a ton to do, so I'm staying in tonight. At least it'll give you guys (are there girls that read this?) something to read when you come home drunk later. It's not all sports, but last I checked, there's no rules on this blog, it's like an anarchy with integrity. (Just so you know, I've tried to go back a couple times to fix the spacing problems in this but can't figure it out, sorry)

- I was in St. Louis earlier this week for work, and had to take a shuttle from the airport to my hotel. I was in a pretty pissy mood as I'd had a gun pulled on me the previous day at work here in Pittsburgh. Whatever, on the shuttle with me was just one family - mom, dad, 3 sons none of which older than 15. Well, son #2 asks the parents, "What does San Diego mean?" I laughed out loud, it took everything I had not to turn and inform them that the correct answer is "A whale's vagina".
Dad, in all his wisdom, tells his boys that it translates to "Saint James". San Diego=Saint James? Ok... Bet he'd translate his wife's contempt for him into undying love, though I'd guess she's plowing her way through their neighborhood and will take him for everything he's worth in 2 years.

- Getting a gun pulled on me at work? Not fun. I'm moving to Minnesota. At least I'll be able to give an untapped region's viewpoint on all things sport and tundra - Hey Berman, tundra is frozen, stop calling it "The Frozen Tundra", that's like saying "The drunk wino" or "Shitty mainstream rap" - being frozen is part of what makes it tundra. Expect some Aurora Borealis posts this summer.

- I'm convinced tweezers were invented for one of three purposes:
1) Removing splinters
2) Cleaning toenails
3) Roach clips
The lesson being, don't ask to borrow my tweezers.

- I've sent this link to some people already, but for those who haven't seen it, this is one of the greatest skits Will Ferrell ever did:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kShJAEODWMc

- My sis is getting married at the end of April and the DJ doesn't really understand that my family isn't gonna put up with his ideas for music, so they've asked me to put together a lot of music for the reception. Good call. The only relevant question appears to be, will "I can't drive 55" be on that playlist? You know it.
Expect this trend to continue - amateurs putting together playlists for occasions like weddings, etc. As erm can probably testify to, DJs aren't cheap. Why not gather all the music you want to hear, arrange it into playlists, throw it onto an iPod and go to town? There's no reason to pay DJs anymore for this. Hell, if my sister, her man and I can throw together 4-5 hours of wedding reception music, who couldn't? Put this on the list of things I'd do if I were a smart man, along with improving tattoo removal technology (not for me, but for the dumb asses that get some arbitrary ink done), wait, I'm not giving you anymore of my ideas. Come up with your own.

- We've got a new entrant in the "Best Drunk Food" category, joining Pagliai's ((419) 352-7571) stuffed chicken & cheese breadsticks, Taco Bell's Nacho Cheese chalupas and Trader Joe's fresh salsas: D's "Big Ben dog". D's is the hotdog/beer joint I live above. The Big Ben is a dog with nacho cheese, fries & coleslaw. Sub in bacon for the slaw and goodnight!

- Bill Simmons is amazing. He's Gandhi. Gandhi, Mitch Hedberg and MLK Jr. rolled into one. This guy tirelessly takes on all critics and asks nothing in return. Oh, you feel like you've made a well thought out, constructive, unassuming argument to a point of his? Think again.

"Um, I was trying to be funny … I just forgot that we live in a world where you can't joke about anything. This nation is tighter than Meg Ryan's face right now. Loosen up. It's not a crime to joke about the fact that last year's college hoops season sucked so much that the best two players were white. See, basketball has been a predominantly black sport for about 40 years now, a blessing because the game evolved in a vertical direction and became infinitely more entertaining than the product from the late '50s. If you wrote down the best NBA players from the last three decades, you'd probably notice that all of them were black except for Larry Bird, Kevin McHale, Steve Nash, Chris Mullin, Dirk Nowitzki and John Stockton.

Now, if last year's best college players were on the level of Bird, Nash and Stockton, it would be one thing. But J.J. Redick and Adam Morrison both flamed out in the tournament and look like potential busts as pros. Hence, my joke in yesterday's blog. For anyone who was offended, I'm sorry … not for the joke, but for the bug up your ass. "

So there. Not only does he somehow find a way to be the last vestige of humor in an unfunny world, he has no problem attacking celebrities' insecurities to prove his abilities. Never mind that the reader's point appeared to be that race doesn't dictate talent or worth, he informs us that only 6 white players in the last 30 years have mattered. So all the other white who have played were pretty bad, huh? But wait, later in the column while discussing the league's current talent level, he says:

"Jemele (Hill) argued that Kobe's current competition is tougher than the teams from 1991-93, which is just plain wrong. There's no comparison. The league sucks (emphasis his) right now."

Did the sport lose all its good players? No, the game has transitioned from a team game where players had defined roles into a me-first, run and gun contest. By no means should you take that as social commentary, but the game and its players' roles have changed. Thank god this world has Bill Simmons to stick up for the right to insult people who wish to dissent from the views of the all knowing sports scribes.